A much needed break - The Process of Restoration

30 May 2017

So it’s been about a year since my last blog post.  There was so much going on that I just couldn’t give any attention to blogging.  It was that bad. So bad that I would have anxiety blogging.  Something that should come so easy to me ended up becoming the most dreadful thing for me to do.
So much has happened.  We purchased a home, moved into a more rural area, I started working, lost a few family members, living and not living.  This past year has been full of growth, trials, tribulations, heartaches, joy and now entering into a place of peace.

Marriage over Ministry

This October, we will be married 10 years.  It wasn’t until this year I realized it wasn’t as strong as I thought it to be.  Don’t get me wrong, we love each other deeply, but we’ve spent the last 10 years smiling and putting band aids over wounds that eventually built up into resentment and hurt.  Did we do this on purpose? No.  Honestly, we don’t believe it was something we knew was happening.

To start, in the beginning, there were some bad, negative seeds that were planted before we could even say “I do” and over the past 10 years, we’ve allowed those seeds to grow, by watering them.  To say it, own it, and actually do something about it is a huge deal for us. For so long, we’ve put the needs of others and what they want above our own. That’s an insane way to live!  It’s an unhealthy way to live and in a marriage.  Moving forward, for the sake of our kids and our marriage, we just can’t continue on the way that we have.  So this brings me to “entering into a place of peace”.  We’ve decided that it was best to take a leave of absence from church.  We realized that we are no good to anyone in the state that we’re currently in. We’ve had some support and we’ve also had some who aren’t so supportive and that’s okay. We get it! I am owning my peace 110%. I am no longer concerned about who doesn’t like it anymore.  We will spend the time reconnecting with each other…that includes with our children. Learning how to say “No” to outsiders and “Yes” to ourselves.  More than anything, they need to see and witness a healthy marriage.  We will choose our marriage over ministry!
Living through hurt and falling prey to my feelings

It’s amazing that I’m still alive.  I’ve had so much hurt that I’ve never allowed myself to heal from it all. It is bad! Hurt from family. Hurt from the church. Hurt in my marriage. Hurt from friends. It’s a buildup of continuous hurt and I needed a break. I am finding that when you’re this hurt, it keeps you from wanting to pray and be around people. This kind of hurt is toxic. You want to feel justified in your anger and carry on not realizing just how hurt you are. You are unrecognizable!  You want to world to know how you’ve been hurt and you want to go to that person who hurt you and just go off!  It takes a strong person to take a stand.  It’s okay to take a break.

Proverbs 4:23 Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it springs the issues of life.  This passage tells me that whatever I think in my heart will run my life. And it’s true.  You never seem to understand this until you are actually in a place to take a step back to see yourself. Taking the blinders off will give you a real reality check.  That leads me to Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.  This road to peace and freedom has to be done without bitterness and anger.  Just because I’ve allowed so much hurt and pain doesn’t mean that it has to stay there.  And it won’t.
With my return, it’s with much hope and the leading of the Holy Spirit that you join me in this reconnection and restoration process.  With family, friends, my children and my husband.  This is a formal invitation to taking my life (our lives) back.  What you can look for in the future? You can look forward to funny, deep, crying, laughter, encouragement, all while decorating, saving, planning and traveling and everything in-between.  Will you join me?

Note to self: Today, I choose me. I choose joy and all that comes with it.  My heart will be glad, my glory will rejoice, and my flesh will rest in hope. I will seek peace and pursue it daily.  Amen.